i killed my own dreams

I can’t remember the day that I stopped dreaming. I became distracted by my urge for practicality and plausibility. I shoved my true talent and passion to the side in order to pursue what was seemingly more...fruitful. I couldn’t find the logic in my dreams, but I could find it in the monotonous reality that was society after I offered blood, sweat, and tears for my degree.

In “Same Drugs,” Chance the Rapper asked, “When did you start to forget to fly?” That really stuck with me. When did you?

In a way, I threw away many of the dreams that I had once I graduated from college. For some reason, I felt that I would always have all of my shit together upon graduating. So when the day came, and I didn’t, I felt everything around me crashing down. There was no longer any room to gamble with my future, and I had to prioritize practicality rather than focus on the lavish dreams that young me had once brewed up.

With the eradication of these dreams came the death of joy. I felt as though I was no longer living for myself, and I became consumed by worries of what would come next for me. Those few months of life post-grad were unlike any other time of my life. I became a shadow of what I once was, and I felt incredibly lost. I felt like everyone had their shit together but me.

Even after four years at an Ivy League institution, I still could not quite picture what my future would look like. I just “knew” that everything that I once wanted was no longer attainable for me. I had spent so much time taking things day-by-day and just trying to survive while in undergrad that I hadn’t much time to develop a practical plan for the things that childhood me once yearned for. 

I was so lost, and I felt so worthless. I felt like college stole my dreams.

But eventually, I realized that I needed to take a deep breath and to get back in tune with childhood Kib. Her passion and her dreams were enough fuel for her to get this far, so who was I to just shut her out? I allowed the harsh realities of the world to dampen my dreams-- something that wasn’t fair to little Kib. She saw her destiny as a child, and it wasn’t up to adult Kib to destroy that. 

So starting today and continuing forever, childhood Kib takes precedence. We live for her.  

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